Prensence or Presents
I keep seeing on people’s wedding websites things like: we’re not registered for gifts because your presence is enough. Or we don’t want anything, but if you really want to give us a gift, help us pay for our honeymoon. That’s sweet and all, but very unrealistic.
Here’s how this gift giving thing is supposed to work:
You don’t expect gifts and guests don’t feel they NEED to bring a gift.
Guests WANT to bring a gift because they like you and want to give a gift in celebration of this wonderful life event.
Guests go, “Oh my gosh, I have no idea what they have already. I want to buy them something they’ll use, like a casserole dish, but I don’t want them to end up with 50.”
Guests check the registry and see that you have indeed registered for a casserole dish and no one has gotten one for you yet.
Everyone is happy.
This is why registering is important. There will always be some people who don’t want to give you money. They want to give you something tangible because every time you use that casserole dish, you’ll think of them.
On the other hand, yes, it’s true, you shouldn’t expect gifts from anyone, especially now with the sucky economy. Their presence is truly enough. Especially those who have spent a significant amount of money on travel. I see the following complaint a lot: Uncle Bob came with his wife and five kids. I spent $600 for their meal and all they gave me was $20???? I KNOW he has a lot of money and I gave him $300 at his wedding!
OK that stings a bit, but maybe you don’t know the whole story. Maybe it was $400 each for plane tickets, maybe Uncle Bob just lost his job, maybe Uncle Bob only wanted to give you $20. Just because you went into debt over your wedding, doesn’t mean other people should. And you gave that money to him because it was what you wanted to do, not because you expected something in return.
You can’t expect people to give you a gift. They completely lose their meaning then.
Then there are the gift givers who complain about gift giving. We’ll refer to this as The Sex and the City Argument. This argument states that people who are single get screwed over. They have to buy wedding gifts and baby shower gifts and get nothing in return.
This is untrue. First of all, you don’t have to give a gift, see above. If you don’t buy your friend a gift and they never talk to you again, that’s their problem. In fact, if you are financially unable to give a gift, you really SHOULDN’T. If you really want to give something, you can make a gift. Gifts don’t have to cost money. If you don’t want to give anything on principle, then don’t. People will probably be upset, but that’s their problem.
Second, you do get something in return. You get food, entertainment and the pleasure of witnessing a special event in someone’s life. If you don’t want to be there, don’t go, don’t buy a gift.
Finally, it’s not like the couple is making a profit on gifts. That’s not the way it works. They’ll spend thousands on a wedding and even more money sending their kids to college. But, if you’re that shallow and still really feel like you deserve gifts to make it even, throw yourself a party for doing something like buying a house or writing a book, and register for gifts.
In summary: Guests should give a gift if they want to and are able to, in celebration of two people starting their lives together. The couple shouldn’t expect gifts, especially from people who had to spend a lot just to get to the wedding. And everyone should get a thank you card just for coming.