OK, I need to rant because this is driving me nuts. There are always arguments it seems, on the sugar network about living together before marriage. Now, I think people should do whatever they want. I don’t judge people who do, I don’t judge people who don’t. There’s just one thing that really bugs me…
About five girls said: I won’t live with my SO before we get married because I heard that people who live together have a higher chance of getting divorced and I don’t know why that is, but I want my marriage to be successful.
OK, just think about it for a second! All I ask is that you think! First of all, not doing something just because of a statistic: STUPID! The first thing they teach you about statistics: CORRELATION DOES NOT EQUAL CAUSATION!!!!!
Maybe, the type of people who live together before they’re married are a little more liberal about relationships? Maybe they’re more likely to get divorced because they’re the kind of people that don’t have a problem with divorce? Hmmmm?
Premarital Cohabitation and Marital Stability by Ruth Weston, Lixia Qu and David de Vaus, is a good read that explores the statistic and the reasons behind it. From the article:
In summary, these results suggest that, as indirect marriages have become more commonplace, the difference in the stability of direct and indirect marriages has diminished. Second, as would be expected, the difference is smaller if the duration of the (living-together) union rather than the duration of marriage is taken into account.
Third, the difference appears to be strongly influenced by self-selection factors: when some of the observed characteristics that appear to influence both marriage pathway and marital stability were controlled, the difference in the probabilities of separation eight years after marriage or union formation was substantially reduced.
I suggest you read the whole article, but if you really like statistics, here are some more from about.com:
In France and Germany cohabiting couples have a slightly lower risk of divorce.
If cohabitation is limited to a person’s future spouse, there is no elevated risk of divorce. (I don’t understand how that’s different that the statistic in question)
In the U.S., cohabiting couples taking premarital education courses or counseling are not at a higher risk for divorce.
And you know, couples in arranged marriages are less likely to get divorced. So if you really want to be on the safe side, you should do that.
People really put way too much faith into numbers and studies they haven’t even bothered to research. We have this amazing thing now called the internet! Use it!
So, what do I think about living together before marriage? I think, if you really plan on marrying the person, it can be a good idea. I don’t know if you can really know someone or how they’ll react in certain situations until you live with them. The main reason I wanted to live with Bryan: I love him and I like seeing him every day.
I think the big danger comes in when people think of marriage as a way to solve a problem or problems in their relationship or life. And there are other valid reasons for not wanting to live together before marriage. If you’re religious, if you just don’t feel comfortable with it, if you don’t think it’s right for you, you’ve had bad experiences in the past… As long as the reason isn’t a damn statistic.
I agree… people who put too much emphasis on numbers and studies tend to have very little faith in their own abilities and wants to a life-long marriage. I lived with my husband before we got married, and it definitely was not right because for me, it was definitely living in sin for MYSELF (i’m not imposing this on anyone else), but it’s all about what one thinks and understands about themselves. They say that they will not have premarital sex, or living arrangements, but some live to eat their words. It is a very big danger to when people think of marriage as a way to solve a problem or when they are in it for the wrong reasons. But I don’t think necessarily a wrong will always be a wrong… sometimes, when you made the wrong decision to get married, but try to strive to make it into a lasting “possibility” then the marriage will eventually become right. Very true as long as your reason is not a statistic, or let the statistic become your fear.
People should be allowed to do whatever the hell they want, and that’s that.
…well not “whatever” they want.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with moving in with your boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage. Having a ring on your finger doesn’t make it harder/easier to live with one another. I infact think it’s a good idea to try out living with each other because it’s much easier to get to know the other person if you live together.
I could tell you a few stories of failed marriages, due to the fact that they didn’t even live with each other, until after the wedding.
Needless to say, I agree with you 102%
If my mom read this post, her conservative mind would implode.
I know someone who is living with her boyfriend right now and she expected me to call her and tell her that it is wrong and that she was “fornicating”. The thing is, I refused to because I believe that person I know is free to make their own choices. I choose not to be involved. It’s probably “not moral” of me in my conservative Catholic upbringing, but I know when to pick my battles.
But leaving the dark imagery out of it, I personally think that people should do what they feel is right for them. I do not know whether I would do it myself, probably because I haven’t given it a thought.
Even though my religion teaches to see the wrong in it, I can see the logic in living with someone before getting married. I also heard that guys tend to help more with the housework when living with their girlfriend, as opposed to their wives, but that’s just an issue of Reader’s Digest speaking.
I definitely agree with you. People tend to put too much emphasis on numbers. After taking my research course, I realized how easy it is to fib these numbers to prove whatever you want to prove. So, stats in itself is completely unreliable. As with all information, the reliability is contingent upon its source.
As for pre-marital co-habitation, I personally think it’s a good idea. It’s not easy to see someone’s true personality when you see them a couple hours a day. If I’m serious about marriage, I’d prefer to have a ‘trial run’ by living with them for a couple months. Of course, that’s just my opinion on my own life.
Each person should just do what’s best for his or herself.